Reasons Why...I don't enjoy dating

Okay, there are a lot of reasons I don't enjoy dating. It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and annoying. There are those rare moments when it's exhilarating and exciting. I don't remember what those moments are like. Let's just say it's been awhile. So, here are a few of the challenges that come with the world of dating as I know it.

#1 Finding someone to date: I think I'm a pretty social person and I've worked enough places in the last few years to meet a LOT of people. Granted I've worked in a number of social service and educational settings, which don't exactly employee many men. But women should have male friends they want to introduce me to, right? Apparently not. I've tried 4 different online dating sites, I've been speed dating twice, and I've volunteered for causes I believe in, and I'm still single. So, it's no wonder that when I think I've discovered an eligible bachelor (e.b.), I get a bit excited, as this breed of man seems to be nearly extinct. Once the discovery of the rare e.b. is made, the story looks something like this: The e.b. and I go out, have a wonderful conversation, and a generally enjoyable evening. The evening ends with the e.b. giving me a hug, saying he will call me and sharing that he looks forward to going out again. And so I wait. And wait. And sometimes I call or email him just to "encourage" contact. And 9 times out of 10, he never responds. Over time I've come to attribute this scenario to what I'm going to call "The Flaw."

#2 "The Flaw": Over the last several years since I've been single, I've asked everyone from my best friend, roommates, mom, sister, and various friends (today it was Chris) to please enlighten me about "The Flaw." What I'm wondering is, what is that flaw that everyone sees in me that I'm missing? Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm far from perfect, and I could list several flaws about myself. But I know a lot of really messed up people who are dating, married, or in long-term relationships, so I know perfection isn't necessary to find a significant other. That has led me to believe there must be something about me that makes it unbearable for e.b.'s to call me up for a second date. Am I psycho? Do I overshare and scare people off? Do I make weird noises when I eat? Do I suffer from excessive sweating and offensive body odor? So far nothing too significant has come out of my quest to find my flaw. Feel free to enlighten me if you, the reader, has any insight to share.*

*A note about insight. Please don't share anything that would be on the top 10 things never to say to a single woman list (i.e. "You just haven't found the right one" or "You just need to stop looking, and the right person will come along," etc.). This isn't helpful, and there's a pretty good chance I've heard these things before.

#3 RISI: There is a syndrome impacting single men everywhere, and it's called RISI (Random Inability to Sustain Initiation). Symptoms of this sydrome include, but are not limited to: saying he will call and then never following through; showing consistent interest and enthusiasm and suddenly disappearing from the land of the living; introducing you to his friends or family and then saying he "needs to take some time off." An effective treatment for this syndrome has not yet been discovered, but some experts have recommended growing some balls.

#4 Fear: Deep down, I'm afraid to date. I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone. I'm afraid of being disappointed. I'm afraid of having poor judgment. I'm afraid that once someone really gets to know me, he will reject me. It's one thing to be rejected after one date. It's another thing to invest major time and energy in a relationship and then have someone decide not to be with me. The last time that happened to me, it took me years to recover, and the experience forever changed me. I'm not sure I want to put myself out there again. It's amazing how many things I never do because of fear.

Dating. Sigh.

Reasons Why...I love being a social worker

There are a ton of reasons why I love being a social worker (which may surprise folks after my last blog), but I only have a moment to write, so I'm just going to share one that touched my heart.

Yesterday a teacher at one of my schools said that her students have the assignment of writing an essay about someone who has made a difference in their lives. A 13 year old boy who I work with couldn't decide whether he should write about me or his mom. Seriously? That's the best compliment ever.

Reasons Why...I'm depressed

So, the reality is I'm feeling so discouraged and depressed these days, and I feel embarrased and ashamed to admit out loud that I'm not coping well. Getting out of bed in the morning is total agony, because I feel like I'm under a mountain of sadness, and I can't seem to build up my reserves.

Some of the mountain is made up of my own life struggles (singleness, weight gain, financial stress, work stress, self-esteem, lack of adequate self-care, feelings of incompetence, blah, blah, blah). All of that is baggage I'm used to carrying around and dealing with.

What I'm not used to is the fact that much of my mountain has been built on sadness from my work. I'm overwhelmed by the needs of the families and the students with whom I'm working and the lack of resources available to them. I can't really go into detail because their information obviously has to remain confidential.

What I can say is these are some of the reasons I feel buried under sadness:
*There are so many children who go to school exhausted everyday because they do not have beds to sleep on or even bedrooms to sleep in because the only way their families can afford to live is with multiple families sharing very small apartments (like 8 people sharing a 2 bedroom apt).

*There are many families who had until today to pay their rent and they will soon receive eviction notices because there is a serious lack of rental assistance in Washington County. Unless they have family or friends to take them in temporarily, these families will go on the waiting lists for shelters. My question is, where are they supposed to go while they are on the waiting lists?

*There are alarming numbers of Latino boys who think that the only way to get the love and acceptance they are yearning for is to join a gang. At least then they know someone will always have their back when their biological family seems to have abandoned them.

*Food should be a guarantee, not a privelege. Children should not have to go to churches begging for food because their family cannot afford to buy it.

*No one should feel like life is so unbearable that the only answer is to attempt suicide two times by age 14.

These are just a few of the many examples that weigh on my heart.

I'm not exactly sure how to cope with it all. In the past I've been blessed with amazing supervisors who impart wisdom and encouragement during these heavy times. I don't have that level of support from my current employer. I talked to two people today who I would consider my mentors, and both of them offered some of this wisdom and encouragement I've been looking for. I'm so grateful for their presence in my life. I know that eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, getting support from colleagues, friends, and family...all of these help me cope, but they don't make the realities of my clients go away.

The extent to which I've been so overwhelmed makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a social worker. I've started thinking maybe I care too much and I get too emotionally involved. Perhaps I just need to accept that life isn't fair, some people will suffer more than others, and there's no way to help everyone who needs it.

The problem is I'm just not satisfied with that. Everyday I see people (including myself) waste money on things that we "need" to make us happy and fulfilled. Why don't we get as much of a thrill from knowing our neighbors have food on their tables as we do from buying the latest and greatest things to meet our "needs?"