Reasons Why...It Matters

I want to know I matter.

It's why I constantly check my phone to see if anyone has sent a text or left me a voice mail message, and why I obsessively check my email, sign in to my Facebook account, etc.

It's why I love opening a gift from someone--something I know was bought because they thought of me and knew I would love it.

It's why I yearn for positive feedback at work and love to hear I did a good job or know that someone noticed my hard work.

It's why I feel special when someone holds a door open for me, says 'bless you' when I sneeze, or lets me merge in traffic.

It's why I enjoy getting a card or letter in the mail for no reason at all.

It's why I love calling a friend and having them say, "I was just thinking of you!"

It's why I thrive on the rare moments with clients when they let me know I've made a difference in their lives.

It's why I appreciate when I get an unexpected bouquet of flowers or a visit from a friend.

It's why having someone smile at me or say 'thank you' just never gets old.

Kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, validation, acknowledgement...it all reminds me that I matter.

It's one thing to be reminded by other peoples' actions, thoughts, and words that I matter. But why do I have to depend on others to convince me that I matter? Why do I base my worth on whether someone likes me, approves of me, or admires me?

A kind soul reminded me yesterday that it's even more crucial to know in my own heart, soul and mind that I matter. It's not about what I do or don't do that makes me matter. I matter simply because I am who I am: a child of God.

It got me thinking, what if we made a point every day to treat ourselves like we matter just for being, and not for anything we've done or will do?

Thank you for those who have helped me feel like I matter. I am grateful for those reminders and I hope I've been able to return the favor. At the end of the day, I think it's important for all of us to know that the world wouldn't quite be the same without us, because we matter.

Reasons Why...I am Thankful, Part I

It's been since August, so I have a lot to say, but no time or energy to say it. I find I'm in such a funk lately that maybe it will be helpful to remind myself that I have some good stuff going on. Since I started this particular blog on Thanksgiving and never posted it, I thought I would post it and add to it in small portions. I can't promise that I'll be very faithful to adding more, but I'll try...In no particular order...

Reason #1 I am thankful: I finally have a job I love.

Ever since I decided to be a social worker, I have had a bazillion jobs. I have done case management with families living in poverty; facilitated half a million boys groups, girls' groups, and leadership groups; taught parenting classes; done telephone counseling at a crisis line; managed a mentoring program; supervised Masters in Social Work Interns; done individual and family therapy in schools; taught classes to kids involved in the juvenile justice system; cofacilitated classes for families who want to adopt children with special needs, not to mention donating plasma, cleaning houses, and doing filing at a bank on the side. All of this has been just in the last 4 years, and usually I've had between 3-4 jobs at a time in order to make ends meet. So now I have had one job since August, and it's the perfect combination of all of the skills I've gained in all my many jobs the last few years. In fact, I wouldn't have been qualified for this job if it hadn't been for every one of those crappy jobs. There are stressful days, and I can still find plenty of reasons to whine and complain about work, but ultimately I am grateful to be the Mental Health Coordinator for Portland Public Schools.



Reason #2 I am thankful: I am part of an amazing church.



I have been going to church off and on most of my life, but pretty steadily since junior high. With a home life that was somewhat unpredictable growing up, going to church became a safe haven for me. It was the one place I could find inner peace and comfort. It was consistent, predictable, and full of amazing and supportive people. My faith and hope in something bigger than me, mixed with some amazing mentors, kept me going during my saddest times. I have been so fortunate to find decent churches to be a part of, as there are MANY that I have visited and I've been apalled by what I've seen and heard. I've often been ashamed to label myself a "Christian" because, for much of the world, it's a label that represents bigotry, judgement, oppression, and closed-mindedness. Rightfully so, as there are plenty of "Christians" who perpetuate this reputation, and many who cause me to hesitate any time there is an opportunity to express the importance of my faith to people in my life. While I've met some amazing people in my church experiences, I've also met a lot that I don't want to be associated with. Most often I shudder when people ask me if I'm a "Christian" because I don't like the box it puts me in. A couple of years ago, I found Vibrant, and when the pastor dropped the f-bomb over coffee, I knew it was the place for me. It's a community of people who are striving for authenticity, serving the community near and abroad, advocating for social justice, engaging in difficult conversations about faith, loving their neighbors and debunking the myths people have about Christians. While it's not perfect, it's a community I never knew could exist, and I'm honored to be a part of it.



Reason #3 I am thankful: I am healthy.



Health is one of those things that many of us take for granted every day. I have my fair share of aches and pains, and I am nowhere close to the physical shape I want to be in, but for the most part I am healthy enough to live the life I want to live. For that, I am grateful.

More to come...

Reasons why...Life is just plain tough.

There are so many things I don't understand about life, and I don't necessarily want the responsibility of understanding everything, but there are moments when I would like to get a glimpse of where my life and other peoples' lives are headed.

• Sometimes my head tells me to go in one direction, but my heart says to go in another. Once I give in to my heart, it means I become vulnerable, and sometimes being vulnerable hurts.
• Some people die young, and I think that it is so unfair. I imagine how much they had to offer this world and it doesn't make sense why they didn't get a chance.
• It's difficult to watch so many kids make choices now that will have consequences that impact the rest of their lives. It's even more difficult to see when they've given up hope and can't see that life has options.
• Most of us take our bodies for granted until something goes wrong to mess them up. I've been in pain 24/7 for almost 2 weeks now. It's physically and mentally exhausting, and yet I'm trying to be grateful that I can get out of bed in the morning, pain or not. After awhile, that's a lot easier said than done.
• Figuring out who we are and letting our true selves shine through is so difficult and daunting, though once someone sees the real you, a new kind of freedom can be found. I just wish it wasn't so scary to let ourselves be authentic. Or maybe I just wish we didn't live in such a judgmental world.

I feel like I have so much more to write, but I just ran out of words...

Reasons Why...Talking politics can be annoying.

So, I don't have a lot of time to blog, but I just had to share my recent "dialogue" about our pending Presidential election. Ok, it wasn't really a dialogue. It was just a couple of comments on Facebook (my biggest addiction besides chocolate).

Anyway, this guy I went to college with requested we become "friends" on Facebook, which is kind of funny, because I didn't really know him 10 years ago (or really like him for that matter), and I definitely don't know him now that we've been out of school for 10 years. I think that since our reunion is coming up in October that people suddenly feel the need to "connect" with each other again. Whatever. I digress...

So this guy's status on Facebook states, "[Name] is worried that Obama cult members are among those he calls friends." Later on his page, he also wrote, "I love America home of the free and the brave and the soon to be departing liberals because they said they would leave if McCain gets elected. I am not convinced however, cuz they said they would leave when Bush got elected and they didn't. Here's to hoping though!"

I discussed the comments with my house mate, Melodie, debating whether I should respond, and I just couldn't resist saying something. So, I responded on his "Wall" with this: "Obama is my homeboy. I heart him."

Well, apparently I hit a nerve, because this was his response: "I shall pray for you, wait I don't need to, you have god on your side...and you heart him. Whatever that means. Good luck reconciling your Christian faith with your political views. I guess if Obama is how people, including himself, make him out to be that might be easy to do because he is god. At least his wife is finally proud of the USA. Yeah"

WOW. There are so many things I want to respond to in that comment, and yet I'm a little speechless. How would you respond if you were me?

Reasons Why...I feel like this might be my most random blog yet.

So, here's the thing. People keep saying, "You haven't blogged lately," or "You need to blog more" and my personal favorite, "What's the point of having a blog if you never write...Are you afraid you might say something?" That last one is my friend, Chris, who thinks I need to do a better job of being controversial in my blogs so I can push peoples' buttons and make them think about stuff. He's really good at that, and I aspire to be the writer Chris is. Sometimes in the process he can be a real ass, though. :) I digress.

To be honest, it does make me feel good to know people like to read my blog or think I have interesting things to say (or maybe there's nothing better for them to do). I just feel like lately I don't have much to say. Or maybe I have a lot to say, I just haven't stopped long enough to get it out. So, I'll blog, but I can't promise it will be interesting. I'm just going to do some verbal vomiting and see what comes out.

Speaking of blogs, my friend Kristi has gotten real creative with her blog lately. She decided to feature profiles of her single friends in an effort to help them meet Mr. Right. If it works, it's like online dating, only these folks come with a reference from one of her friends. Yours truly is the first to be featured, and I feel honored. It's a little embarrassing, but at the same time, I appreciate her efforts to help a girl out. We all know I'm not doing a good job of meeting eligible bachelors any other way right now.

Anyway, I have been working so much lately that I am just plain exhausted when I come home, and I don't have the time to "process" what is in my brain. Instead I watch bad TV, play on Facebook, and read other people's blogs. That's about all I can manage before going asleep and working another 12 hour day. I wouldn't be surprised if my roommates think I'm inconsiderate or antisocial with the way I behave once I come home, because I feel like I can't carry on a dialogue to save my life once the clock strikes 9pm.

Incidentally, for all of you thinking, "Monica never calls me," read the above paragraph again. I promise it's nothing personal. I feel like I would be more rude talking on the phone because I wouldn't be "present," and I hate it when I can tell that someone is reading email, watching TV, etc while trying to fake that they're listening to me. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with multitasking. I am often washing dishes, taking out the garbage, or doing laundry while I'm on the phone, but I believe I'm still present in the conversation. By the way, if it bugs you that I'm multitasking when we're on the phone, please let me know.

I'm teaching two parenting classes these days on Monday and Tuesdays nights. Technically I think I'm only teaching one on Tuesdays as of this week, because my Monday group no-showed two weeks in a row. That's a bummer, because that's the curriculum I really like teaching more. I really love teaching parenting. The longer I teach it, though, the less I actually want to be a parent.

It's damn hard to have someone who depends on you 24/7. I get upset when my cat, Oscar, gets too needy and won't leave me alone. People say that it's different when it's your own kids, blah, blah, blah. I don't know about that. I had a great conversation with a friend about the fact that neither of us really want to have kids, and how oftentimes people are shocked by that. Sometimes people even think we are selfish for feeling this way. Really?

The reality is, when my job is to attend to the emotional needs of other peoples' children all day, I think it's quite possible that I wouldn't have the energy to attend to my own children at the end of the day. This would perpetuate the problem I'm trying to address with my clients whose parents can't seem to be bothered by their own kids' emotional needs. So doesn't it seem silly that I would bring another ignored child into the world?

Ok, we all know that if I did have a kid, I wouldn't ignore it, but do you see what I'm saying? I just feel like I want to focus my energies on the kids I meet every day who believe their parents do not love them or care about them. I want to focus my energy on the kids who just need the one person to believe in them and to share that life has options. I started my week with a 13 year old who told me that he just got jumped into a gang because his mom doesn't care what he does and he needs a family that will have his back. When asked what his 3 greatest wishes are, he didn't talk about all the things we think most teenagers would say. He said he wants to have enough food, to have a consistent place to live, and to know that his parents love him. This kind of crap kills me and totally drains me emotionally. I don't think I'm selfish for not wanting kids. I think I'm making a responsible choice based on the work I'm called to do.

Speaking of having kids, have you seen the movie Juno? I loved it. I already saw it twice and bought the DVD and soundtrack. Good stuff.

Speaking of music, I love American Idol. For the first 2-3 seasons it was on I thought it was so cheesy and a waste of time. I guess I still think it's cheesy and a waste of time, but now I love it for those very reasons. Right now I'm voting for David Cook. I would actually buy his album, because everything he sings is amazing. He could sing the ABC's and I would love it.

Speaking of loving something, I love Facebook. I was at a dinner gathering with some friends recently, and one my friends and I started laughing about an inside joke on Facebook. When we tried to explain what we were laughing about to the other people, they looked at us like we were aliens. Their expressions said something to the effect of, "Aren't you a little old to be into Facebook?" Maybe we are, but I still think it's fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, I think sleep is one of the most fantastic things I do. Since I don't do nearly enough of it, I think I'm going to go do it right now. Ok, not right this moment. I have to go send some Facebook Flair first.

Reasons Why...I need to laugh more.

Today was another difficult day in the life of a social worker. I had to say goodbye to a 14 year old client who I've worked very closely with since October. Though it's never my goal, and less than ideal to do so, I can definitely say I became enmeshed with him and his family. Their story was just so devastating that it was hard not to get deeply involved.

Saying goodbye to clients is always difficult for me, though I've gotten more used to the idea since I've been doing it for awhile. There are just some clients who get closer to my heart and who I wonder about for years to come. This young man is one of those clients. What was difficult about today is that our goodbye was premature, and he and his family are still in need of support that I'm no longer allowed to provide because of a number of extenuating circumstances. I wrote him a letter to say goodbye and to tell him how much I admire him and his growth over the last several months. I hope that one day he sees the person that I see he is capable of being.

Anyway, my intention with this blog is not to depress anyone any more than I already have in previous blogs. My intention is to remind myself and any readers of the importance of humor and laughter. Let me transition now.

I grew up with a mom who told VERY corny jokes, and even though it was always my job to roll my eyes in response, I always loved her jokes and appreciated that she could keep me laughing. For a long time I repressed my own sense of humor and rarely said things out loud that cracked me up inside. Once I became close friends with people, I would let them see a little more of my funny side, but only small glimpses. In college, I distinctly remember when my best friend said I was like the lion and the lamb--that I appeared quiet as a lamb on the outside, but once people got to know me, they got to see the lion inside of me. That statement has stuck with me, and I realize that over the last 10 years, I've become more comfortable letting the lion out more often. I've always been drawn to people who make me laugh, and I now get great joy out of getting other people to laugh with me.

On that note, I thought I would share some of the things that are guaranteed to make me laugh. I hope they give you a little chuckle, guffaw, giggle or hoot too. Enjoy, because as you know, my blogs don't usually provide many opportunities for laughter.

The Office
http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/
I love The Office. It’s one thing that consistently makes me laugh out loud. I’m so excited for new episodes to start April 10th. This website has fun games and quotes from the show. Check it out.

Flight of the Conchords
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
Watch this YouTube video to see my favorite Flight of the Conchords performance: “Business Time.” Watch more of their stuff so you can keep laughing your butt off.

Monk-E-Mail
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/Default.aspx?mid=10048897&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=328e7b4ff4154882a4a5768c10ac1ccb-259113229-RT-4
Send your friend a card from a talking monkey. Seriously? It doesn’t get better than that.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/
This used to be my favorite part of Saturday Night Live. I still love it. One of my favorites: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this fear started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”

Favorite Corny Joke: What happened when the 7 dwarfs got in the hot tub? They felt Sleepy, so he got out.

Children's Book Titles You Will Never See: "You Were an Accident" and "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

Stuff White People Like
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
A blog devoted to stuff that white people like. This is a new discovery, and wow, it’s funny.

Weight Watchers Recipe Cards (1974)
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html
I will forever be indebted to Fara and Jeff and the hours of laughter we shared at work over these recipes. Click on the individual pictures in order to get a description and a better view of recipes like “Chilled Celery Log” or “Fluffy Mackerel Pudding.” Delicious.

Despair.com
http://www.despair.com/
The whole website is funny, but the demotivators are my favorite. For awhile I thought it was my mission to make sure everyone knew about these. If you go to “view demotivators by name,” you can see the posters individually. I love so many of them, but some of my favorites are:
*Dysfunction: "The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."
*Loneliness: "If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone."
*Possibilities: "With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts."

There are many other things (and people) that make me laugh, but these are a few that came to mind. Feel free to share some of your favorites with me.

Reasons Why...It's hard to express our needs

I haven't blogged in awhile. Duh.

I keep starting these blogs in my mind, but I feel so apathetic and fuzzy in my head, that I haven't been able to put anything down on "paper." So, I'm just going to write from my heart and leave my head out of it, and we'll see if it makes sense to anyone but me.

I'm part of this discussion group with folks from my church, and the content is kind of kicking my butt. The other night we talked about the unspoken rules we all grew up abiding by in our families. Since then, I've thought a lot about how one of the unspoken rules I took away from my family of origin was that it is not okay to be "needy." I have some theories about how this rule came to be, but I haven't quite pinpointed where exactly it originated. Deep inside my head and heart is the message that having needs is selfish, and expressing them imposes on others. I remember a lot of circumstances where I put my needs on the backburner so that others' needs could be met. Sometimes my motives were altruistic, and sometimes I remember thinking maybe if they get their needs met, they will return the favor and try to meet mine.

One way I have coped with this unspoken rule is by hinting around my needs. The problem is, when people don't pick up on my hints, I feel disappointed. I cannot tell you how many counseling sessions I've had that center around my disappointment due to unmet expectations (which ultimately stem from my needs). Even more messed up is I've always thought that when I have to ask for my needs to be met, it doesn't "count" because I had to ask, and if someone really loved me or knew me, they would just know what my needs are and meet them. Mostly I've just found it's easier to try and meet my own needs, pretend I don't have needs, or just spend so much time meeting other peoples' needs that I don't have time to think about my own.

So the other day I decided to experiment with being okay with having a need and intentionally asking someone to meet my need. It just so happened that my need in that moment was to hear I am a wonderful person, and somewhere there is a man who will meet me and be blown away by all that I have to offer. In other words, I was feeling very unattractive, undesirable, unwanted, rejected, and, well, basically like a loser who is destined to be single with 65 cats for companionship, and I needed a little pick-me-up. I thought to myself, it seems kind of uncomfortable to call up a friend and ask them to tell me how wonderful I am, so I will call my mom, because she's always been so good at telling me how wonderful I am.

So, I picked up the phone, made a little small talk, and said something like, "Mom, I'm feeling a little down on myself, and I thought I could call on you to tell me all of things that you think are wonderful about me that a man will someday love about me."

My mom's response was something like, "Oh honey, if you just stop looking then the "one" is going to come along when you least expect it."

Hmmm...that's not quite what I was looking for...more like the opposite of what I was looking for...

"Mom, I'm not really looking for advice, I kind of just want to know that there isn't some big red flag that I am hauling around that no one is willing to tell me about. I just want to know that there isn't something so wrong with me that I'm going to be single forever."

"Oh honey, you have so much going for you! You are so successful in your career and your life that some men might find you intimidating. Think of a famous person."

Where is this going? "I can't think of anyone..."

"Ok, what about that Clooney fella. If you sat down to play a card game with him, would you play stupid and let him win?"

"No, I would kick his ass."

"Exactly. Some men might find that intimidating, and if the men you meet find that intimidating, then you don't want to be with them anyway. God has someone perfect for you. When you meet him, he is going to be phenomenal, because that's what you are."

"Thanks Mom." Hmmm...

I love my mom. I love how hard she tries to encourage me and say the right thing. I hung up the phone and I still didn't feel like my need was met quite the way I hoped.

Sometimes asking for what you need feels more like listing out what you don't need. I wasn't looking for advice, and I wasn't wanting to hear that maybe I'm single because I can be intimidating. What I needed to hear was the 50 things about me that some man is going to find irresistible and will cherish in me. What I needed was to hear that there is no red flag hanging over my head, and I am lovable just the way I am. What I needed to hear was that any man would be stupid not to scoop me up because I'm amazing and a great catch.

What I realized is that sometimes it hard to express our needs because we don't always know or understand what we need.

What I've come to realize is what I needed the most in this situation is to know inside myself all of the reasons why I am phenomenal, irresistible, and lovable. If I keep depending on other people to provide me with that affirmation, I will continue to be disappointed time and again, and my need will go on being unmet. Ultimately, what I need is to believe it for myself first.