Reasons Why...I don't enjoy dating

Okay, there are a lot of reasons I don't enjoy dating. It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and annoying. There are those rare moments when it's exhilarating and exciting. I don't remember what those moments are like. Let's just say it's been awhile. So, here are a few of the challenges that come with the world of dating as I know it.

#1 Finding someone to date: I think I'm a pretty social person and I've worked enough places in the last few years to meet a LOT of people. Granted I've worked in a number of social service and educational settings, which don't exactly employee many men. But women should have male friends they want to introduce me to, right? Apparently not. I've tried 4 different online dating sites, I've been speed dating twice, and I've volunteered for causes I believe in, and I'm still single. So, it's no wonder that when I think I've discovered an eligible bachelor (e.b.), I get a bit excited, as this breed of man seems to be nearly extinct. Once the discovery of the rare e.b. is made, the story looks something like this: The e.b. and I go out, have a wonderful conversation, and a generally enjoyable evening. The evening ends with the e.b. giving me a hug, saying he will call me and sharing that he looks forward to going out again. And so I wait. And wait. And sometimes I call or email him just to "encourage" contact. And 9 times out of 10, he never responds. Over time I've come to attribute this scenario to what I'm going to call "The Flaw."

#2 "The Flaw": Over the last several years since I've been single, I've asked everyone from my best friend, roommates, mom, sister, and various friends (today it was Chris) to please enlighten me about "The Flaw." What I'm wondering is, what is that flaw that everyone sees in me that I'm missing? Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm far from perfect, and I could list several flaws about myself. But I know a lot of really messed up people who are dating, married, or in long-term relationships, so I know perfection isn't necessary to find a significant other. That has led me to believe there must be something about me that makes it unbearable for e.b.'s to call me up for a second date. Am I psycho? Do I overshare and scare people off? Do I make weird noises when I eat? Do I suffer from excessive sweating and offensive body odor? So far nothing too significant has come out of my quest to find my flaw. Feel free to enlighten me if you, the reader, has any insight to share.*

*A note about insight. Please don't share anything that would be on the top 10 things never to say to a single woman list (i.e. "You just haven't found the right one" or "You just need to stop looking, and the right person will come along," etc.). This isn't helpful, and there's a pretty good chance I've heard these things before.

#3 RISI: There is a syndrome impacting single men everywhere, and it's called RISI (Random Inability to Sustain Initiation). Symptoms of this sydrome include, but are not limited to: saying he will call and then never following through; showing consistent interest and enthusiasm and suddenly disappearing from the land of the living; introducing you to his friends or family and then saying he "needs to take some time off." An effective treatment for this syndrome has not yet been discovered, but some experts have recommended growing some balls.

#4 Fear: Deep down, I'm afraid to date. I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone. I'm afraid of being disappointed. I'm afraid of having poor judgment. I'm afraid that once someone really gets to know me, he will reject me. It's one thing to be rejected after one date. It's another thing to invest major time and energy in a relationship and then have someone decide not to be with me. The last time that happened to me, it took me years to recover, and the experience forever changed me. I'm not sure I want to put myself out there again. It's amazing how many things I never do because of fear.

Dating. Sigh.

Reasons Why...I love being a social worker

There are a ton of reasons why I love being a social worker (which may surprise folks after my last blog), but I only have a moment to write, so I'm just going to share one that touched my heart.

Yesterday a teacher at one of my schools said that her students have the assignment of writing an essay about someone who has made a difference in their lives. A 13 year old boy who I work with couldn't decide whether he should write about me or his mom. Seriously? That's the best compliment ever.

Reasons Why...I'm depressed

So, the reality is I'm feeling so discouraged and depressed these days, and I feel embarrased and ashamed to admit out loud that I'm not coping well. Getting out of bed in the morning is total agony, because I feel like I'm under a mountain of sadness, and I can't seem to build up my reserves.

Some of the mountain is made up of my own life struggles (singleness, weight gain, financial stress, work stress, self-esteem, lack of adequate self-care, feelings of incompetence, blah, blah, blah). All of that is baggage I'm used to carrying around and dealing with.

What I'm not used to is the fact that much of my mountain has been built on sadness from my work. I'm overwhelmed by the needs of the families and the students with whom I'm working and the lack of resources available to them. I can't really go into detail because their information obviously has to remain confidential.

What I can say is these are some of the reasons I feel buried under sadness:
*There are so many children who go to school exhausted everyday because they do not have beds to sleep on or even bedrooms to sleep in because the only way their families can afford to live is with multiple families sharing very small apartments (like 8 people sharing a 2 bedroom apt).

*There are many families who had until today to pay their rent and they will soon receive eviction notices because there is a serious lack of rental assistance in Washington County. Unless they have family or friends to take them in temporarily, these families will go on the waiting lists for shelters. My question is, where are they supposed to go while they are on the waiting lists?

*There are alarming numbers of Latino boys who think that the only way to get the love and acceptance they are yearning for is to join a gang. At least then they know someone will always have their back when their biological family seems to have abandoned them.

*Food should be a guarantee, not a privelege. Children should not have to go to churches begging for food because their family cannot afford to buy it.

*No one should feel like life is so unbearable that the only answer is to attempt suicide two times by age 14.

These are just a few of the many examples that weigh on my heart.

I'm not exactly sure how to cope with it all. In the past I've been blessed with amazing supervisors who impart wisdom and encouragement during these heavy times. I don't have that level of support from my current employer. I talked to two people today who I would consider my mentors, and both of them offered some of this wisdom and encouragement I've been looking for. I'm so grateful for their presence in my life. I know that eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, getting support from colleagues, friends, and family...all of these help me cope, but they don't make the realities of my clients go away.

The extent to which I've been so overwhelmed makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a social worker. I've started thinking maybe I care too much and I get too emotionally involved. Perhaps I just need to accept that life isn't fair, some people will suffer more than others, and there's no way to help everyone who needs it.

The problem is I'm just not satisfied with that. Everyday I see people (including myself) waste money on things that we "need" to make us happy and fulfilled. Why don't we get as much of a thrill from knowing our neighbors have food on their tables as we do from buying the latest and greatest things to meet our "needs?"

Reasons Why...I'm inspired by Obama

On Martin Luther King day, Barack Obama spoke at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, where Martin Luther King, Jr. was once co-pastor with his father. On a side note, I actually visited Ebenezer Baptist Church on a study tour in college and highly recommend you stop there if you're ever in Atlanta.

Anyway, if you have the time, I highly encourage you to watch the whole 30 minute speech: http://my.barackobama.com/KingChurch. If you don't have time to watch the whole speech, you can read it here: http://www.barackobama.com/2008/01/20/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_40.php, although there are some inspiring parts left out of the text version.

Let me share some of the highlights that touched me deeply:
…"Unity is the great need of the hour" is what King said. Unity is how we shall overcome…

…Unity is the great need of the hour - the great need of this hour. Not because it sounds pleasant or because it makes us feel good, but because it's the only way we can overcome the essential deficit that exists in this country.

I'm not talking about a budget deficit. I'm not talking about a trade deficit. I'm not talking about a deficit of good ideas or new plans. I'm talking about a moral deficit. I'm talking about an empathy deficit. I'm taking about an inability to recognize ourselves in one another; to understand that we are our brother's keeper; we are our sister's keeper; that, in the words of Dr. King, we are all tied together in a single garment of destiny…

…All too often, we seek to ignore the profound institutional barriers that stand in the way of ensuring opportunity for all children, or decent jobs for all people, or health care for those who are sick. We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price. But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes - a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts.

It's not easy to stand in somebody else's shoes. It's not easy to see past our differences. We've all encountered this in our own lives. But what makes it even more difficult is that we have a politics in this country that seeks to drive us apart - that puts up walls between us.

We are told that those who differ from us on a few things are different from us on all things; that our problems are the fault of those who don't think like us or look like us or come from where we do. The welfare queen is taking our tax money. The immigrant is taking our jobs. The believer condemns the non-believer as immoral, and the non-believer chides the believer as intolerant…

…And yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that none of our hands are entirely clean. If we're honest with ourselves, we'll acknowledge that our own community has not always been true to King's vision of a beloved community. We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them. The scourge of anti-Semitism has, at times, revealed itself in our community. For too long, some of us have seen immigrants as competitors for jobs instead of companions in the fight for opportunity…

…So let us say that on this day of all days, each of us carries with us the task of changing our hearts and minds. The division, the stereotypes, the scape-goating, the ease with which we blame our plight on others - all of this distracts us from the common challenges we face - war and poverty; injustice and inequality. We can no longer afford to build ourselves up by tearing someone else down. We can no longer afford to traffic in lies or fear or hate. It is the poison that we must purge from our politics; the wall that we must tear down before the hour grows too late…

…That is our hope - but only if we pray together, and work together, and march together.
Brothers and sisters, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for peace and justice, we cannot walk alone.
In the struggle for opportunity and equality, we cannot walk alone
In the struggle to heal this nation and repair this world, we cannot walk alone.

So I ask you to walk with me, and march with me, and join your voice with mine, and together we will sing the song that tears down the walls that divide us, and lift up an America that is truly indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all. May God bless the memory of the great pastor of this church, and may God bless the United States of America...

Reasons Why...I haven't posted a blog for awhile

1) Working too much.
2) Feeling really tired.
3) Spending time catching up on recorded TV shows.
4) Feeling lazy and uninspired.
5) Starting 3 different blog entries and not being able to finish them because of reasons 1-4 above.
6) Going to the gym a lot more due to the fact that my hot water heater has been broken for a week and I need a place to shower.
7) Having a headache for 3 days.
8) Catching up with the outside world and being social again.
9) Feeling a lot of pressure because a friend told me to make my blogs more controversial.
10) Staying out late kicking everyone's ass at cards tonight.

Reasons Why...I love being a mentor

Okay, this one will be more upbeat and shorter than my last blog. I promise.

Some of you know that even after I left my position as supervisor of the Portland Impact Mentoring Program (www.portlandimpact.org/mentoring), I continued volunteering as a mentor. My mentee, Cipriana, is in the 6th grade, and we have been meeting since October. We hang out once a week and our activities have included shopping, going to Saturday Market, doing crafts, going out for pizza, getting pedicures, cooking, watching movies, and bowling. No matter how stressed out or overwhelmed I feel, I always leave my time with Cipriana feeling enriched and blessed.

So here are some of the reasons I love being a mentor:
1) Hearing about her latest crush and why he's the cutest boy in the school.
2) Going to a middle school choir concert to show my support.
3) Receiving an email telling me how glad she is to have me as her mentor.
4) Seeing her smile with pride as she beat me in a game of bowling.
5) Having her mom and dad express their gratitude for my involvement in her life.
6) Laughing hysterically about nothing in particular.
7) Sharing inside jokes about silly things no one else would understand.
8) Getting to set aside all my own worries for a couple of hours a week and replacing them with a fresh perspective.
9) Listening to her giggle as her feet are massaged during her first pedicure.
10) Feeling like I get to make a tangible difference in just a couple hours a week.

Be a mentor. You won't regret it.

Reasons Why...I work too much

Let me start by saying I know I am not gifted with the ability to say no. I see good opportunities, I feel invincible in the moment they are offered, and I say yes to them. I know this about myself and I know that I need to say no more often. Having said that, let me share a story. While many of you have heard the sob story already, I feel compelled to share it here (in its entirety), as 2008 is starting out feeling a little overwhelming. I'll tell you why:

First some history. As long as I have been employed in the non-profit world (too long), I have had to work more than one job at a time in order to make ends meet. Note: One might say this is due to my impulse shopping and inability to budget effectively, which may be true, but I will save that discussion for another blog, which I will entitle, "Reasons Why...I should have someone else manage my money for me." Anyway, these second "jobs" have included such tasks as house cleaning, mystery shopping, tutoring, doing yard work, selling plasma, house/dog sitting, and working as a temp doing filing at a bank. In addition to some extra money, these jobs provided me with stronger character and good stories to tell. They also enabled me to do the non-profit work I felt passionate about and called to do!

I remember thinking when I went to graduate school how great it would be to only have to work one job and have all these wonderful and exciting hobbies in all my spare time. Well, I'm pretty sure that it's been nearly 4 years since I finished my Master's in Social work, and I can't think of a time that I haven't had more than one job. Some have said I should give up non-profit work so I don't have to worry so much about finances. There is definitely some validity to that argument. My struggle comes from trying to figure out how to go to a job forty hours a week if I don't feel passionate about it and moved by it. So far I haven't been able to find a job that meets these needs and also pays a decent salary. Anyway, that's enough of the sad history. Let me get back to why January feels so overwhelming to me.

1) My full time job is working as a therapist with youth and families at two middle schools. I love my job, and I love being able to say I love my job. I feel like I thrive when working in a school, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Even still, the reality is, it is both a rewarding and exhausting way to spend 40+ hours a week.

2) My second job is working as a Portland Public Schools employee supervising two interns who are getting their Masters in Social Work. I get to coach them on how to work in a school culture and how to do individual, family, and group counseling. I love being in a supervisory role, and my interns are easy to work with and incredibly competent. I am very fortunate to have this opportunity, and I truly hope I do not have to give it up after this school year. The tough part is it takes another 5-10 hours every week.

3) In the Fall I was asked by another non-profit agency to be an on-call instructor, teaching classes to adults who are interested in adopting children with special needs. These children are coming out of the foster care system and bringing with them loads of mental health challenges in addition to histories littered with abuse, trauma, substance abuse, and neglect. As you might imagine, the content of these classes is pretty heavy as we try to communicate the realities of adopting children who have experienced more at age 10 than most of us will in a lifetime. What I did not realize is how inspiring these classes would be, because the people who enroll in them have hearts overflowing with compassion and love to offer these children. I teach the classes every other month for a full weekend, and this is the month I'm on to teach. There goes another 20 hours.

4) The agency I work for full time also needs facilitators for skills groups that happen four nights a month. The groups are for kids who have committed minor crimes and need to go through a diversion program in hopes that they will stay out of the juvenile justice system. I offered to take on the January edition of these classes when I found out that the person who was facilitating them was no longer available. For the Executive Director, this offer translated into me being an ongoing facilitator of these classes every month. One might say, "just tell her no," and yet you have not read my unpublished blog entitled, "Reasons Why...I need to stay on the Executive Director's good side..." At any rate, these groups take up four nights/10 hours a month. My first group starts next week.

5) Another non-profit agency approached me with the opportunity to do a short seminar for their staff on issues related to children who have incarcerated parents. I love teaching and I love the idea of contracting with another agency with whom I've never worked. What did I say to their invitation? Yes, of course! That will be another few hours in prep and and presentation this month.

I know this all sounds absurd, and you're thinking, what is she whining about? She's gotten herself into this mess because she cannot say no. That's about 95% true. Let me finish by saying that the other 5% is all of the expenses that I did not anticipate in the month of December (in addition to Christmas shopping and travel). Those expenses included things like Dr. appointments to find out why I haven't been sleeping (I think you all could tell me why at this point), a root canal (ouch), a speeding ticket (ouch again), and a car accident that is my fault because rather than allowing a city bus to sideswipe me, I chose to dodge the bus and hit a curb. Add to all of that my regular bills and credit card debt, and I find I need some extra sources of income.

Are you tired of reading this yet? Yes? Me too. And even though it's my reality and responsibility to take care of all of the above, the experience of getting it out of my brain has been quite cathartic. If you're still reading this, thanks for letting me get all that out. I'm going to sleep now.