Reasons Why...I feel like this might be my most random blog yet.

So, here's the thing. People keep saying, "You haven't blogged lately," or "You need to blog more" and my personal favorite, "What's the point of having a blog if you never write...Are you afraid you might say something?" That last one is my friend, Chris, who thinks I need to do a better job of being controversial in my blogs so I can push peoples' buttons and make them think about stuff. He's really good at that, and I aspire to be the writer Chris is. Sometimes in the process he can be a real ass, though. :) I digress.

To be honest, it does make me feel good to know people like to read my blog or think I have interesting things to say (or maybe there's nothing better for them to do). I just feel like lately I don't have much to say. Or maybe I have a lot to say, I just haven't stopped long enough to get it out. So, I'll blog, but I can't promise it will be interesting. I'm just going to do some verbal vomiting and see what comes out.

Speaking of blogs, my friend Kristi has gotten real creative with her blog lately. She decided to feature profiles of her single friends in an effort to help them meet Mr. Right. If it works, it's like online dating, only these folks come with a reference from one of her friends. Yours truly is the first to be featured, and I feel honored. It's a little embarrassing, but at the same time, I appreciate her efforts to help a girl out. We all know I'm not doing a good job of meeting eligible bachelors any other way right now.

Anyway, I have been working so much lately that I am just plain exhausted when I come home, and I don't have the time to "process" what is in my brain. Instead I watch bad TV, play on Facebook, and read other people's blogs. That's about all I can manage before going asleep and working another 12 hour day. I wouldn't be surprised if my roommates think I'm inconsiderate or antisocial with the way I behave once I come home, because I feel like I can't carry on a dialogue to save my life once the clock strikes 9pm.

Incidentally, for all of you thinking, "Monica never calls me," read the above paragraph again. I promise it's nothing personal. I feel like I would be more rude talking on the phone because I wouldn't be "present," and I hate it when I can tell that someone is reading email, watching TV, etc while trying to fake that they're listening to me. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with multitasking. I am often washing dishes, taking out the garbage, or doing laundry while I'm on the phone, but I believe I'm still present in the conversation. By the way, if it bugs you that I'm multitasking when we're on the phone, please let me know.

I'm teaching two parenting classes these days on Monday and Tuesdays nights. Technically I think I'm only teaching one on Tuesdays as of this week, because my Monday group no-showed two weeks in a row. That's a bummer, because that's the curriculum I really like teaching more. I really love teaching parenting. The longer I teach it, though, the less I actually want to be a parent.

It's damn hard to have someone who depends on you 24/7. I get upset when my cat, Oscar, gets too needy and won't leave me alone. People say that it's different when it's your own kids, blah, blah, blah. I don't know about that. I had a great conversation with a friend about the fact that neither of us really want to have kids, and how oftentimes people are shocked by that. Sometimes people even think we are selfish for feeling this way. Really?

The reality is, when my job is to attend to the emotional needs of other peoples' children all day, I think it's quite possible that I wouldn't have the energy to attend to my own children at the end of the day. This would perpetuate the problem I'm trying to address with my clients whose parents can't seem to be bothered by their own kids' emotional needs. So doesn't it seem silly that I would bring another ignored child into the world?

Ok, we all know that if I did have a kid, I wouldn't ignore it, but do you see what I'm saying? I just feel like I want to focus my energies on the kids I meet every day who believe their parents do not love them or care about them. I want to focus my energy on the kids who just need the one person to believe in them and to share that life has options. I started my week with a 13 year old who told me that he just got jumped into a gang because his mom doesn't care what he does and he needs a family that will have his back. When asked what his 3 greatest wishes are, he didn't talk about all the things we think most teenagers would say. He said he wants to have enough food, to have a consistent place to live, and to know that his parents love him. This kind of crap kills me and totally drains me emotionally. I don't think I'm selfish for not wanting kids. I think I'm making a responsible choice based on the work I'm called to do.

Speaking of having kids, have you seen the movie Juno? I loved it. I already saw it twice and bought the DVD and soundtrack. Good stuff.

Speaking of music, I love American Idol. For the first 2-3 seasons it was on I thought it was so cheesy and a waste of time. I guess I still think it's cheesy and a waste of time, but now I love it for those very reasons. Right now I'm voting for David Cook. I would actually buy his album, because everything he sings is amazing. He could sing the ABC's and I would love it.

Speaking of loving something, I love Facebook. I was at a dinner gathering with some friends recently, and one my friends and I started laughing about an inside joke on Facebook. When we tried to explain what we were laughing about to the other people, they looked at us like we were aliens. Their expressions said something to the effect of, "Aren't you a little old to be into Facebook?" Maybe we are, but I still think it's fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, I think sleep is one of the most fantastic things I do. Since I don't do nearly enough of it, I think I'm going to go do it right now. Ok, not right this moment. I have to go send some Facebook Flair first.

Reasons Why...I need to laugh more.

Today was another difficult day in the life of a social worker. I had to say goodbye to a 14 year old client who I've worked very closely with since October. Though it's never my goal, and less than ideal to do so, I can definitely say I became enmeshed with him and his family. Their story was just so devastating that it was hard not to get deeply involved.

Saying goodbye to clients is always difficult for me, though I've gotten more used to the idea since I've been doing it for awhile. There are just some clients who get closer to my heart and who I wonder about for years to come. This young man is one of those clients. What was difficult about today is that our goodbye was premature, and he and his family are still in need of support that I'm no longer allowed to provide because of a number of extenuating circumstances. I wrote him a letter to say goodbye and to tell him how much I admire him and his growth over the last several months. I hope that one day he sees the person that I see he is capable of being.

Anyway, my intention with this blog is not to depress anyone any more than I already have in previous blogs. My intention is to remind myself and any readers of the importance of humor and laughter. Let me transition now.

I grew up with a mom who told VERY corny jokes, and even though it was always my job to roll my eyes in response, I always loved her jokes and appreciated that she could keep me laughing. For a long time I repressed my own sense of humor and rarely said things out loud that cracked me up inside. Once I became close friends with people, I would let them see a little more of my funny side, but only small glimpses. In college, I distinctly remember when my best friend said I was like the lion and the lamb--that I appeared quiet as a lamb on the outside, but once people got to know me, they got to see the lion inside of me. That statement has stuck with me, and I realize that over the last 10 years, I've become more comfortable letting the lion out more often. I've always been drawn to people who make me laugh, and I now get great joy out of getting other people to laugh with me.

On that note, I thought I would share some of the things that are guaranteed to make me laugh. I hope they give you a little chuckle, guffaw, giggle or hoot too. Enjoy, because as you know, my blogs don't usually provide many opportunities for laughter.

The Office
http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/
I love The Office. It’s one thing that consistently makes me laugh out loud. I’m so excited for new episodes to start April 10th. This website has fun games and quotes from the show. Check it out.

Flight of the Conchords
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
Watch this YouTube video to see my favorite Flight of the Conchords performance: “Business Time.” Watch more of their stuff so you can keep laughing your butt off.

Monk-E-Mail
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/Default.aspx?mid=10048897&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=328e7b4ff4154882a4a5768c10ac1ccb-259113229-RT-4
Send your friend a card from a talking monkey. Seriously? It doesn’t get better than that.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/
This used to be my favorite part of Saturday Night Live. I still love it. One of my favorites: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this fear started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”

Favorite Corny Joke: What happened when the 7 dwarfs got in the hot tub? They felt Sleepy, so he got out.

Children's Book Titles You Will Never See: "You Were an Accident" and "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

Stuff White People Like
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
A blog devoted to stuff that white people like. This is a new discovery, and wow, it’s funny.

Weight Watchers Recipe Cards (1974)
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html
I will forever be indebted to Fara and Jeff and the hours of laughter we shared at work over these recipes. Click on the individual pictures in order to get a description and a better view of recipes like “Chilled Celery Log” or “Fluffy Mackerel Pudding.” Delicious.

Despair.com
http://www.despair.com/
The whole website is funny, but the demotivators are my favorite. For awhile I thought it was my mission to make sure everyone knew about these. If you go to “view demotivators by name,” you can see the posters individually. I love so many of them, but some of my favorites are:
*Dysfunction: "The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."
*Loneliness: "If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone."
*Possibilities: "With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts."

There are many other things (and people) that make me laugh, but these are a few that came to mind. Feel free to share some of your favorites with me.

Reasons Why...It's hard to express our needs

I haven't blogged in awhile. Duh.

I keep starting these blogs in my mind, but I feel so apathetic and fuzzy in my head, that I haven't been able to put anything down on "paper." So, I'm just going to write from my heart and leave my head out of it, and we'll see if it makes sense to anyone but me.

I'm part of this discussion group with folks from my church, and the content is kind of kicking my butt. The other night we talked about the unspoken rules we all grew up abiding by in our families. Since then, I've thought a lot about how one of the unspoken rules I took away from my family of origin was that it is not okay to be "needy." I have some theories about how this rule came to be, but I haven't quite pinpointed where exactly it originated. Deep inside my head and heart is the message that having needs is selfish, and expressing them imposes on others. I remember a lot of circumstances where I put my needs on the backburner so that others' needs could be met. Sometimes my motives were altruistic, and sometimes I remember thinking maybe if they get their needs met, they will return the favor and try to meet mine.

One way I have coped with this unspoken rule is by hinting around my needs. The problem is, when people don't pick up on my hints, I feel disappointed. I cannot tell you how many counseling sessions I've had that center around my disappointment due to unmet expectations (which ultimately stem from my needs). Even more messed up is I've always thought that when I have to ask for my needs to be met, it doesn't "count" because I had to ask, and if someone really loved me or knew me, they would just know what my needs are and meet them. Mostly I've just found it's easier to try and meet my own needs, pretend I don't have needs, or just spend so much time meeting other peoples' needs that I don't have time to think about my own.

So the other day I decided to experiment with being okay with having a need and intentionally asking someone to meet my need. It just so happened that my need in that moment was to hear I am a wonderful person, and somewhere there is a man who will meet me and be blown away by all that I have to offer. In other words, I was feeling very unattractive, undesirable, unwanted, rejected, and, well, basically like a loser who is destined to be single with 65 cats for companionship, and I needed a little pick-me-up. I thought to myself, it seems kind of uncomfortable to call up a friend and ask them to tell me how wonderful I am, so I will call my mom, because she's always been so good at telling me how wonderful I am.

So, I picked up the phone, made a little small talk, and said something like, "Mom, I'm feeling a little down on myself, and I thought I could call on you to tell me all of things that you think are wonderful about me that a man will someday love about me."

My mom's response was something like, "Oh honey, if you just stop looking then the "one" is going to come along when you least expect it."

Hmmm...that's not quite what I was looking for...more like the opposite of what I was looking for...

"Mom, I'm not really looking for advice, I kind of just want to know that there isn't some big red flag that I am hauling around that no one is willing to tell me about. I just want to know that there isn't something so wrong with me that I'm going to be single forever."

"Oh honey, you have so much going for you! You are so successful in your career and your life that some men might find you intimidating. Think of a famous person."

Where is this going? "I can't think of anyone..."

"Ok, what about that Clooney fella. If you sat down to play a card game with him, would you play stupid and let him win?"

"No, I would kick his ass."

"Exactly. Some men might find that intimidating, and if the men you meet find that intimidating, then you don't want to be with them anyway. God has someone perfect for you. When you meet him, he is going to be phenomenal, because that's what you are."

"Thanks Mom." Hmmm...

I love my mom. I love how hard she tries to encourage me and say the right thing. I hung up the phone and I still didn't feel like my need was met quite the way I hoped.

Sometimes asking for what you need feels more like listing out what you don't need. I wasn't looking for advice, and I wasn't wanting to hear that maybe I'm single because I can be intimidating. What I needed to hear was the 50 things about me that some man is going to find irresistible and will cherish in me. What I needed was to hear that there is no red flag hanging over my head, and I am lovable just the way I am. What I needed to hear was that any man would be stupid not to scoop me up because I'm amazing and a great catch.

What I realized is that sometimes it hard to express our needs because we don't always know or understand what we need.

What I've come to realize is what I needed the most in this situation is to know inside myself all of the reasons why I am phenomenal, irresistible, and lovable. If I keep depending on other people to provide me with that affirmation, I will continue to be disappointed time and again, and my need will go on being unmet. Ultimately, what I need is to believe it for myself first.

Reasons Why...I don't enjoy dating

Okay, there are a lot of reasons I don't enjoy dating. It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and annoying. There are those rare moments when it's exhilarating and exciting. I don't remember what those moments are like. Let's just say it's been awhile. So, here are a few of the challenges that come with the world of dating as I know it.

#1 Finding someone to date: I think I'm a pretty social person and I've worked enough places in the last few years to meet a LOT of people. Granted I've worked in a number of social service and educational settings, which don't exactly employee many men. But women should have male friends they want to introduce me to, right? Apparently not. I've tried 4 different online dating sites, I've been speed dating twice, and I've volunteered for causes I believe in, and I'm still single. So, it's no wonder that when I think I've discovered an eligible bachelor (e.b.), I get a bit excited, as this breed of man seems to be nearly extinct. Once the discovery of the rare e.b. is made, the story looks something like this: The e.b. and I go out, have a wonderful conversation, and a generally enjoyable evening. The evening ends with the e.b. giving me a hug, saying he will call me and sharing that he looks forward to going out again. And so I wait. And wait. And sometimes I call or email him just to "encourage" contact. And 9 times out of 10, he never responds. Over time I've come to attribute this scenario to what I'm going to call "The Flaw."

#2 "The Flaw": Over the last several years since I've been single, I've asked everyone from my best friend, roommates, mom, sister, and various friends (today it was Chris) to please enlighten me about "The Flaw." What I'm wondering is, what is that flaw that everyone sees in me that I'm missing? Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm far from perfect, and I could list several flaws about myself. But I know a lot of really messed up people who are dating, married, or in long-term relationships, so I know perfection isn't necessary to find a significant other. That has led me to believe there must be something about me that makes it unbearable for e.b.'s to call me up for a second date. Am I psycho? Do I overshare and scare people off? Do I make weird noises when I eat? Do I suffer from excessive sweating and offensive body odor? So far nothing too significant has come out of my quest to find my flaw. Feel free to enlighten me if you, the reader, has any insight to share.*

*A note about insight. Please don't share anything that would be on the top 10 things never to say to a single woman list (i.e. "You just haven't found the right one" or "You just need to stop looking, and the right person will come along," etc.). This isn't helpful, and there's a pretty good chance I've heard these things before.

#3 RISI: There is a syndrome impacting single men everywhere, and it's called RISI (Random Inability to Sustain Initiation). Symptoms of this sydrome include, but are not limited to: saying he will call and then never following through; showing consistent interest and enthusiasm and suddenly disappearing from the land of the living; introducing you to his friends or family and then saying he "needs to take some time off." An effective treatment for this syndrome has not yet been discovered, but some experts have recommended growing some balls.

#4 Fear: Deep down, I'm afraid to date. I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone. I'm afraid of being disappointed. I'm afraid of having poor judgment. I'm afraid that once someone really gets to know me, he will reject me. It's one thing to be rejected after one date. It's another thing to invest major time and energy in a relationship and then have someone decide not to be with me. The last time that happened to me, it took me years to recover, and the experience forever changed me. I'm not sure I want to put myself out there again. It's amazing how many things I never do because of fear.

Dating. Sigh.

Reasons Why...I love being a social worker

There are a ton of reasons why I love being a social worker (which may surprise folks after my last blog), but I only have a moment to write, so I'm just going to share one that touched my heart.

Yesterday a teacher at one of my schools said that her students have the assignment of writing an essay about someone who has made a difference in their lives. A 13 year old boy who I work with couldn't decide whether he should write about me or his mom. Seriously? That's the best compliment ever.

Reasons Why...I'm depressed

So, the reality is I'm feeling so discouraged and depressed these days, and I feel embarrased and ashamed to admit out loud that I'm not coping well. Getting out of bed in the morning is total agony, because I feel like I'm under a mountain of sadness, and I can't seem to build up my reserves.

Some of the mountain is made up of my own life struggles (singleness, weight gain, financial stress, work stress, self-esteem, lack of adequate self-care, feelings of incompetence, blah, blah, blah). All of that is baggage I'm used to carrying around and dealing with.

What I'm not used to is the fact that much of my mountain has been built on sadness from my work. I'm overwhelmed by the needs of the families and the students with whom I'm working and the lack of resources available to them. I can't really go into detail because their information obviously has to remain confidential.

What I can say is these are some of the reasons I feel buried under sadness:
*There are so many children who go to school exhausted everyday because they do not have beds to sleep on or even bedrooms to sleep in because the only way their families can afford to live is with multiple families sharing very small apartments (like 8 people sharing a 2 bedroom apt).

*There are many families who had until today to pay their rent and they will soon receive eviction notices because there is a serious lack of rental assistance in Washington County. Unless they have family or friends to take them in temporarily, these families will go on the waiting lists for shelters. My question is, where are they supposed to go while they are on the waiting lists?

*There are alarming numbers of Latino boys who think that the only way to get the love and acceptance they are yearning for is to join a gang. At least then they know someone will always have their back when their biological family seems to have abandoned them.

*Food should be a guarantee, not a privelege. Children should not have to go to churches begging for food because their family cannot afford to buy it.

*No one should feel like life is so unbearable that the only answer is to attempt suicide two times by age 14.

These are just a few of the many examples that weigh on my heart.

I'm not exactly sure how to cope with it all. In the past I've been blessed with amazing supervisors who impart wisdom and encouragement during these heavy times. I don't have that level of support from my current employer. I talked to two people today who I would consider my mentors, and both of them offered some of this wisdom and encouragement I've been looking for. I'm so grateful for their presence in my life. I know that eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, getting support from colleagues, friends, and family...all of these help me cope, but they don't make the realities of my clients go away.

The extent to which I've been so overwhelmed makes me wonder if I'm cut out to be a social worker. I've started thinking maybe I care too much and I get too emotionally involved. Perhaps I just need to accept that life isn't fair, some people will suffer more than others, and there's no way to help everyone who needs it.

The problem is I'm just not satisfied with that. Everyday I see people (including myself) waste money on things that we "need" to make us happy and fulfilled. Why don't we get as much of a thrill from knowing our neighbors have food on their tables as we do from buying the latest and greatest things to meet our "needs?"

Reasons Why...I'm inspired by Obama

On Martin Luther King day, Barack Obama spoke at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, where Martin Luther King, Jr. was once co-pastor with his father. On a side note, I actually visited Ebenezer Baptist Church on a study tour in college and highly recommend you stop there if you're ever in Atlanta.

Anyway, if you have the time, I highly encourage you to watch the whole 30 minute speech: http://my.barackobama.com/KingChurch. If you don't have time to watch the whole speech, you can read it here: http://www.barackobama.com/2008/01/20/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_40.php, although there are some inspiring parts left out of the text version.

Let me share some of the highlights that touched me deeply:
…"Unity is the great need of the hour" is what King said. Unity is how we shall overcome…

…Unity is the great need of the hour - the great need of this hour. Not because it sounds pleasant or because it makes us feel good, but because it's the only way we can overcome the essential deficit that exists in this country.

I'm not talking about a budget deficit. I'm not talking about a trade deficit. I'm not talking about a deficit of good ideas or new plans. I'm talking about a moral deficit. I'm talking about an empathy deficit. I'm taking about an inability to recognize ourselves in one another; to understand that we are our brother's keeper; we are our sister's keeper; that, in the words of Dr. King, we are all tied together in a single garment of destiny…

…All too often, we seek to ignore the profound institutional barriers that stand in the way of ensuring opportunity for all children, or decent jobs for all people, or health care for those who are sick. We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price. But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes - a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts.

It's not easy to stand in somebody else's shoes. It's not easy to see past our differences. We've all encountered this in our own lives. But what makes it even more difficult is that we have a politics in this country that seeks to drive us apart - that puts up walls between us.

We are told that those who differ from us on a few things are different from us on all things; that our problems are the fault of those who don't think like us or look like us or come from where we do. The welfare queen is taking our tax money. The immigrant is taking our jobs. The believer condemns the non-believer as immoral, and the non-believer chides the believer as intolerant…

…And yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that none of our hands are entirely clean. If we're honest with ourselves, we'll acknowledge that our own community has not always been true to King's vision of a beloved community. We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them. The scourge of anti-Semitism has, at times, revealed itself in our community. For too long, some of us have seen immigrants as competitors for jobs instead of companions in the fight for opportunity…

…So let us say that on this day of all days, each of us carries with us the task of changing our hearts and minds. The division, the stereotypes, the scape-goating, the ease with which we blame our plight on others - all of this distracts us from the common challenges we face - war and poverty; injustice and inequality. We can no longer afford to build ourselves up by tearing someone else down. We can no longer afford to traffic in lies or fear or hate. It is the poison that we must purge from our politics; the wall that we must tear down before the hour grows too late…

…That is our hope - but only if we pray together, and work together, and march together.
Brothers and sisters, we cannot walk alone.

In the struggle for peace and justice, we cannot walk alone.
In the struggle for opportunity and equality, we cannot walk alone
In the struggle to heal this nation and repair this world, we cannot walk alone.

So I ask you to walk with me, and march with me, and join your voice with mine, and together we will sing the song that tears down the walls that divide us, and lift up an America that is truly indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all. May God bless the memory of the great pastor of this church, and may God bless the United States of America...